24 July, 2010
More to come soon (we promise)
PROLOGUE (unsure if this has any thematic connection w/ following, but this as much an attempt at real-world reporting as at lit.):
XXXXXX is a sad city. Now. For you. It was once a home; now it is like home, i.e. land of the fam., in that time apparently does not move here. Without time, change is impossible. The people you love(d) here are immobile, as though their shadows were traced and painted years ago and as though this effectively put them out of a job. The effect is almost Narcissistic, if only Narcissus had been frozen by not love but gravity. Slumped into flowerhood. The little changes which have occurred simply contrast the basic and sickening fact of: Stuck. In the absence of change, entropy reins. Their inertia is at rest. You see this, in the gradual accumulation of wrinkles and hairline and grey, like dust. They are settled. In a certain sense, this is to say that they have no future; or, equally accurate, that this is their future. Either case implying that all you hold in common with them is the past. What was, was; it is not what is.
You do not anticipate return.
Pre-P.S: ANOTHER NON-SEQUITOR (AND FRANKLY SELF-PITYING, AND RED-FLAGGING W/R/T EMOTIONAL HEALTH, BUT A RELATIVELY SMALL RED FLAG, AS THESE THINGS GO—I MEAN, REAL PEOPLE HAVE INSECURITIES AND FEARS AND SO ON, AND AN UNFORTUANT SIDE-EFFECT OF THE MENTAL HEALTH INDUSTRY/THE BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF MENTAL HEALTH AS SUCH WHICH WE [VIZ./VIA CONTEMPORARY PSYCHOLOGISTS ET AL] HAVE IS THAT ‘HEALTH’ IS/CAN BE CONSTRUED AS A COMPLETE HARMONY OF THE PSYCHE, WHEN IN FACT PRETTY MUCH NO ONE HAS THAT—I THINK THE BUDDHISTS CALL IT ‘ENLIGHTENMENT’—BUT SO ANYWAY THE UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECT IS THAT WE, OR AT LEAST I, CAN TEND TO REPRESS/HIDE/DENY/REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THOSE IMPERFECTIONS AND IRRESOLUTIONS WHICH DO EXIST WITHIN US, OR AT LEAST ME, AS E.G. THE COMMON RESPONSE OF “I’M OKAY” TO THE COMMON QUERY OF “HOW ARE YOU?” AND IN GENERAL THERE SEEMS TO BE A GENERAL INSISTENCE ON INSISTING THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT EVERYTHING IS OKAY IN ANY OBJECTIVE SENSE, WHICH RESISTENCE/INSISTENCE STRIKES ME AS BEING ITSELF PATHOLOGICAL AND INSANE AND JUST GENERALLY CRAZY AND UNHEALTHY, AND ISN’T THAT IRONIC?—I MEAN, THAT THE VERY NORMS AND THOUGHT-SYSTEM WHICH INTENDS TO IDENTIFY AND TREAT CRAZINESS ENDS UP INCREASING IT BY PUNISHING EMOTIONAL HONESTY, WHICH PUNISHMENT IS EFFECTED BY IDENTIFYING/NAMING/MAKING EMOTIONAL HONESTY ABOUT ONE’S OWN ‘ISSUES’ [AS THE PARLANCE GOES] [UNLESS THE ISSUES AT HAND ARE JUST STUPIDLY MUNDANE AND UNTHREATENING] INTO A ‘RED FLAG,’ I.E. A SIGN OF YOUR INSTABILITY, UN-SELF-CONTROL, OF BEING A ‘LOOSE CANNON,’ ETC.; BUT SO BASICALLY I’M SAYING TRY TO BE ENOUGH OF A CRITICAL READER TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN BLUNT EMOTIONAL HONESTY VS. SOMEONE [VIZ. YOURS TRULY] WHO’S STARTING TO CRACK UP, MAN) COMMENT: I feel pretty confident that, failures in nerve notwithstanding, I know several people for whom I would more or less gladly give my life, were circumstances to force such a decision. And I don’t just mean out of a sense of duty or agape; it is a very personal and specific love I feel.
But I can think of only one person who I can even suspect, with any confidence, of feeling the same about me. First reaction: sad face. Secondary thoughts: regardless of whether I’m right, this reveals quite a bit about 1-my expectations of other people and 2-my insecurity w/r/t others. I’m no psychologist, but what I’ve just described is a profoundly non-symmetrical picture of the relation between the self and the others. Ooh, insight!: it’s also a totally Protestant way of thinking about love, worth, and relationships.